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A Collection of Funny Sayings

Funny sayings exercise your brain and your sense of humor. Here is a small collection that will eventually grow to cover several pages (check back).

- Everybody lies. But it doesn't matter since nobody listens. - Unknown

- "Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes." - Frieda Norris

- "Nobody goes where the crowds are anymore. It’s too crowded." - Yogi Berra

- "You have to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going because you might not get there." - Yogi Berra

- I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. - Woody Allen

- "Why is it when we talk to God we’re praying, but when God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic?" - Lily Tomlin

- Build a man a fire and he’s warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he’s warm for the rest of his life. - Anonymous

- Sticks and stones may break my bones but words ... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related efficiency. - Anonymous

- Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. - Anonymous

- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example. - Anonymous

- If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. - Anonymous

- In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. - Douglas Adams

- Half of the people in the world are below average. - Anonymous

- Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus

- Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. - Ambrose Bierce

- I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown

- Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. - Wendell Johnson

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