Blame
What do you win when you play the blame game? If you could
convince others that your parents are to blame for the way you
are, what good would it do? If your business failure could be
blamed on something that really wasn't your fault, would that
help? Can blaming our personal problems on outside factors ever
be helpful?
Possibly. There is some evidence that assigning failure to
things outside our control may be useful for maintaining self
esteem and motivation. An example is when someone says "Oh,
the rain ruined the event," then adds, "I'll have to
plan for that next time." The truth is, though, that many
would just blame the rain without adding the second part of the
thought.
Losing the Blame Game
Focusing on outside factors that contribute to our problems
de-motivates us. Even if it was true that a friend made you late
for an interview and you lost the job, it just can't help to
dwell on it. When you do so, you just feel like giving up, don't
you? What can you do then? Two things.
1. Learn Your Lessons.
2. Take Responsibility.
If, for example, it was an accident on the part of your friend,
you just let it go. If your friend is always late, however, you
note that. Now you tell yourself, "I'll get a ride with
someone else next time," or "I'll plan to be there
thirty minutes early and I'll have a back-up plan."
It's one thing to recognize when others do something wrong,
or storms rain on your parade. It's another thing - a useless
thing - to persist in blaming outside factors for where you are
in life. If someone stole all your money, they did you wrong,
but don't persist in blaming as your ongoing response. Ask yourself
what you can do to make more, and to keep it from being stolen
again. Always focus on what YOU can do, not on what others have
done.
Subtle Blame
Ah, but the blame game can be a subtle one. There is a fine
line between the necessary recognizing of "problem factors"
and giving control to them. If a person gains weight easily,
they have to recognize that fact. Repeating that fact to oneself
or others, however, is usually a subtle way of saying, "My
body type is to blame, so there's nothing I can do."
To overcome this tendency, include what YOUR decisions are
when talking about outside factors. Follow, "John just depresses
me," with "but I choose to spend time with him."
Say "My parents screwed me up," but add "that's
why I'm working to change my beliefs." Have you ever known
someone that subtly blames the world for his problems, but never
seems to recognize his own contribution to his problems? How
happy and successful is he?
Everyone of us could think of dozens of people and things
that have caused us problems in our lives. Who and what are they?
Who cares?! What are are we going to do about it? That's the
important question. Have you ever seen someone blame their way
to success? It's time to give up the blame game.
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